Married & just found out wife is bisexual Bisexual questions

  • View author's info Posted on Nov 02, 2012 at 08:10 AM

    Hi We've been married for 12 years and are going through some rough patches in our relationship. In therapy yesterday my wife broke down and said she has had strong desires to kiss and touch another woman for several years. It's torn her apart-she feels self loathing-because she feels guilty, ashamed, and worried that I would freak out. This is kind of the first time it's come up in our marriage. (She's had three experiences, most recently last year with someone who broke it off, and did it without me knowing-which hurt.)
    I didn't freak out. I told her for the first time that I had a secret-I fell in love with my best friend in law school, felt ashamed, and hid it from her (which freaked her out!) I used to be very uncertain about my sexuality, but gravitated toward straight and settled into it (I'm about 90% straight and am not uncomf with the other 10 percent.) I also told her I am her friend, and even if we weren't married I would want to help her feel whole and accept her sexuality.
    So my q: what should I/we do? I want my wife to feel whole, but I am a little concerned she will find out she's a lesbian, and leave me, or try to get emotional fulfillment from another woman and have an affair. But if this is just an urge, a need she has (soft lips), I'd rather she embrace it so she isn't conflicted and self hating. Are there any married couples who incorporate this into their relationship? Not really into threesomes, but I would want to give my OK first and know what's happening. I also wonder if I'm still bi-curious, which freaks her out bcse she's afraid I will become gay and leave her. I wonder if there is a controlled situation to experiment-like a sex surrogate? where the ground rules are laid out and we can go into it without judgment. Thanks-D&N
  • 2Comments

  • View author's info Posted on Jul 27, 2013 at 05:26 PM

    Well you could hire a male stripper with the ground rules that you suck his cock and he goes home right after. Then you can process it and discuss it with your wife. If it was me, I'd let her have complete freedom with another woman. Forget your fear-if she's a lesbian and runs off with her so be it. Don't be the one that stands in the way of your partners' happiness. That will ultimately wreck the relationship anyway. As for her fears of you being gay and leaving her, do something to "re-commit to her" after you suck a guys' cock. Then she'll know where you stand. It will also help her feel confident to go forward with another woman. Good luck.
  • View author's info Posted on Nov 10, 2012 at 04:20 PM

    Hey guys, 
    Just came across this post today after we've emailed back and forth.  I have a little more of the story.  I'm sorry for any unhappiness you guys have had.  Marriage is a bumpy ride in the best of times.  I'm Bi, definitely.  Hubby is Bi-Curious.  (He's actually Bi, just hasn't admitted it yet).  It doesn't change the way we feel about each other and our marriage.  We both feel relief that we can talk about it to each other.  You obviously love each other or you wouldn't be hurting and trying so hard to understand.  Relax, take a deep breath and talk about it.  Good luck,  R-